Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
