i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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