one two three fourrrrnication!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
