I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
