I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
