it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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