Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
