she woke up with a sticky ear
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
