I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
