saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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