I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We left the knife in your bed.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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