If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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