I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
