Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think your dad took our porno
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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