we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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