Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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