Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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