i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
