I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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