sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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