batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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