Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
