also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
