Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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