i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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