Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
