if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
