You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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