fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
