I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
All the doctor said was why
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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