A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
