i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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