I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
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I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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