having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
