Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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