you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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