What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
