so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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