Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
