Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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