i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
