No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
