I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
