On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
