That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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