i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
