I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
