she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I love you. Go after that dick
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
