You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
