Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
