Ambien. No doubt about it.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
