6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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