lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
