We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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