It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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