Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
